Reasoning with God

Sitting silently, I tried to reason this out. I could not understand why. Discussions of the "case" flew across the room - whether she need an OGD, the aetiology, risk factors...but why? I could not understand why this young woman, barely settled in her thirties, who had seen a dietician a month ago will not live to celebrate this Christmas. There was no rhyme nor reason.

She was riddled with cancerous cells from the top down. She could not believe it - she did not want to. Neither could I.

Perhaps it was the find-the-most-interesting-case aspect of the grand round presentation which disgusted me or the gross unfairness of the situation or the fact that you cannot reason this out. Like a guarding Rottweiler which knows only to attack whether it be a friend or foe, the malignancy continued its insidious march throughout her body.

I hear a voice from the past saying "God loved her too much" ??! Why is that a reason? Then He surely must hate the millions who are living in the most abhorrent circumstances. Is that why He sends perpatrators of genocide once in a while?!

Another voice says "Maybe she had committed an atrocious act" ?!?! What?! What could be more atrocious than a slow death by cancer in your prime? Tell me what evil deed could she have committed that warranted such a fate?

"It's all for the good" What does that mean!? We can apply Mill's utilitarian principles to lives!? That one life is worth one-eights of 8 lives? Surely, those that knew her lost at least 8 lives by her death as they grieve over their daughter, mother, sister, wife, aunt, friend, niece or grand-daughter. OR that her death will restore some kind of balance?!

It is pointless arguing, because I end up gritting my teeth and angry at anyone listening. Where else can I vent my frustrations without involving others?